The Misnomer
by A Sirius Crush On Moony
Summary: Based off of 'The Hangover'. Sirius and Remus wake up to find a baby in their house with no recollection of how it got there. They are forced to look after the child. Sirius/Remus slash


Written for my entry as Second Mate on the Wolfstar Ship over on 'The Pirate Ship Battles' forum. I used the prompts 'tennis', 'chisel', 'shoehorn' and 'misnomer'.

It's Sirius/Remus slash, plus James/Lily.

Yes, I copied the movies 'The Hangover' for this, because I've always wanted to do a fic like that. No copyright intended XD

Hope you all enjoy.

* * *

><p><span><strong>The Misnomer<strong>

An ear-splitting shriek thunders through the flat, waking Remus up in a startled confusion. His hair sticks up in all different directions like a newly hatched chick. He rubs his eyes tiredly and squints towards the door of the bedroom, wondering what on Earth the noise could have been. He glances automatically at his partner, Sirius, who is fast asleep next to him. He rolls his eyes at Sirius. The fact that he can just lay there sprawled out like some sort of animal, snoring louder than the horrid _crack_ that comes from apparition, and be completely oblivious to the odd shriek that had woken Remus up, may just be one of the many reasons that Remus adores Sirius.

Remus decides to go and investigate. He slides out of bed, not bothering to tip-toe or reduce any sound he's making. Sirius is a _heavy_ sleeper.

Remus steps out of his and Sirius's bedroom and walks down the hallway. His feet are cold, and he wonders why the heating isn't on. Now that he thinks about it, he can't remember anything from the previous night. He wouldn't even call it a blur, because the last thing he can remember is...

_Only twenty-one and losing my memory already, _he thinks to himself, shaking his head. He steps into the living room and stands rooted on the spot when he sees the thing that woke him up.

His mouth opens and closes and opens again, and he's glad Sirius isn't with him or else he'd probably make fun of the stupid expression on his face, but he can't stop his mouth from moving as he stares.

Lying in the very middle of their living room on the rug is a baby. Remus blinks, and blinks again, and then rubs his eyes several times before coming to the sad conclusion that he's awake and there really is a baby lying on their living room floor staring up at him with big blue eyes.

Remus does the only thing that he can think of and screams, "_SIRIUS_!". He doesn't bother waiting for Sirius because he's sure the yell wouldn't have woken him up, so he walks back into to room and nudges him. "Sirius, wake up."

"UGH!" Sirius grunts, rolling over in his sleep.

Remus leans down so his mouth is right next to Sirius's ear. "I don't want to do this," he says, "but... _SIRIUS BLACK WAKE UP THIS INSTANCE!"_

Sirius jolts awake clutching at his ear and glaring at Remus. "Jeez Rem, you sound like my mother."

"Sorry," Remus says sheepishly. "But we have a problem that you created."

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

Sirius looks puzzled and follows Remus out of the room, wondering what he could have done. When he walks into the living room, a look of horror appears on his face.

"What is _that_?" he says, pointing at the baby in disgust.

"It's a baby, Sirius," Remus says, rolling his eyes. "I assume you're the reason it's here?"

"Oh Merlin, Rem. I'm sorry."

"So it _was_ you?" Remus asks, feeling annoyed. Why would Sirius bring a baby home without telling him, and let it sleep on the _floor_ of all places?

"Of course it has to have been me, Remus. Unless you've been sleeping with anyone else lately."

Remus bites his lip and glances at Sirius, feeling amused. Could Sirius really be this dumb? He clears his throat and tries not to laugh. "Sirius, sweetie? I think we need to have a little talk."

"Go on," Sirius says, looking worried.

"You _do_ know that men can't get pregnant, right?" Remus says slowly, hoping more than anything that Sirius is just playing with him, and isn't really this stupid.

"Of course I know that, Moony," Sirius says, rolling his eyes. "But we're _gay_."

"Yes," Remus says. "We're still men. You didn't get me pregnant. Merlin, I never thought those words would come out of my mouth."

"I didn't?" Sirius asks, surprised. "Then how did that baby get here?"

"I thought you might have brought it here," Remus says. "It seems like something you'd do more than me."

"I've never touched a baby in my life," Sirius says, glaring at the baby. "I don't like babies."

"Well then how did it get here?" Remus asks. Sirius shrugs and walks back towards to bedroom. "_Sirius_, we have to look after the baby!"

"No we don't!" Sirius whines like a child. "Please don't make me."

"I don't particularly want to either, but since it's here and we don't know how, it's not fair to just leave it lying on the floor like that."

Remus walks towards the baby, and awkwardly lifts it up. "See? Not that hard. Look, it's a boy. Shall we name him?"

"If we name it we get attached to it. No thanks," Sirius says, avoiding eye contact with the baby.

"Come on Sirius," Remus says. "Look at his little feet. He's adorable."

"No," Sirius says stubbornly. Remus grins and heads towards Sirius, handing the baby out for him to take.

"Hold him," Remus says.

"Do I _have_ to?"

"Yes, you do."

Sirius grimaces and takes the baby in his hands, holding him as far from his body as he possible can. "How much longer do I have to hold it?"

"I'll go and make breakfast," Remus answers, walking away and leaving Sirius alone with the baby.

Sirius groans and hesitantly looks into his eyes, and Sirius's expression softens a little. He pulls the baby in closer to him and smiles. "Okay, little guy. You aren't _too _bad, are you?"

The baby grins and makes a sound. Before Sirius knows what is happening, he is covered in baby sick. He blinks at the child in shock, and almost throws him onto the sofa, running into the kitchen angrily.

"Look what it did to me!" Sirius yells. "It bloody threw up all over me, the idiot!"

"Calm down, Sirius," Remus says, laughing. "That's what babies do."

"How do you know so much about those things?" Sirius grunts, throwing his shirt on the floor and pulling off his boxer shorts.

"I don't know, I guess I – _oh_." Remus stops mid-sentence when he sees Sirius standing in the middle of the kitchen completely naked, hair messy from sleeping and that irresistible puppy-dog look on his face. Remus bites his lip seductively and leans in closer to Sirius.

"Well, isn't someone looking very sexy?" he whispers, leaning his elbow back on the counter.

"I smell like baby puke," Sirius whines, and then coughs. "Oh, well isn't someone looking very _hot_?"

"Me?" Remus whispers, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks.

"Yeah, you," Sirius says. "You're on fire today Remus."

"Sirius," Remus replies, feeling embarrassed. "I'm not."

"I mean it, Rem," Sirius says, laughing. "You are literally on fire. Look at your sleeve."

Remus glances down and gasps. "HELP ME PUT IT OUT YOU FOOL!"

Sirius just leans back against the wall and laughs. "This is why _I _should be the one cooking and you the one looking after the little idiot in the living room."

Remus throws him a look of annoyance.

**##**

Sirius knocks on James and Lily's door louder and harder than necessary. Remus nudges him and shakes his head.

The door opens and Sirius falls to the floor in laughter. Remus clutches onto the door frame and tries his hardest not to laugh, but fails miserably and bursts out laughing.

It takes the two of them a good three minutes to stop their uncontrollable laughter.

"Finished?" Lily asks, looking unamused.

"Yes," Remus says, trying to keep his voice serious. "What _happened_?"

"James, mate. It looks like someone tried to tear your face off."

"I know," James says, raising a hand to his cheek. "Come in."

The two of them follow James and Lily into their living room, which is a complete and total mess. Empty bottle upon bottles are scattered around the floor and there are stains all over the carpet from where the drinks have been spilled. Tissue paper is hanging off of the furniture and there are random things all over the floor covered in different sauces; a toothbrush covered in tomato ketchup, a shoehorn covered in mustard and a hairbrush covered in mayonnaise are just a few of the items.

"It's safe to say you guys had a bit of a party for two, then," Remus says, glancing around the room in disbelief.

"I would never have condoned this," Lily says. "Whatever happened here, we can't remember."

"You don't remember getting tattoos all over your faces?" Sirius asks dubiously, staring at the tattoos and trying not to laugh again.

"No!" Lily says. "Do you _really_ think that _I_ would get a tattoo?"

"That's a good point," Remus says.

"So where is the baby?" James asks.

"How do you know about the baby?"

"Trust me, we know about the baby," Lily says.

"He's strapped to Remus's back," Sirius says. Remus stands up and turns around, showing the baby to James and Lily, who look shocked.

"So you really have a baby now!"

"We're returning it when we find out where it came from."

"We may know something about that," James says. "We found some photographs when we woke up. Have a look," he says, passing the photos to Remus and Sirius.

The first photograph shows Remus, Sirius, James, Lily and Peter all sitting in James and Lily's living room drinking alcohol and playing exploding snap.

"So we got pissed?" Sirius says.

"I've never got this pissed before so that I forget everything," James says. "This is different."

The second photograph shows James rubbing mustard all over Sirius's back with a shoehorn and Lily pretending to wax his back.

The three of them glance at each other and try not to laugh.

The third photograph shows Peter sitting in a cardboard box, and Remus kicking him down the stairs into a bucket of something gooey.

"What the hell were we _doing_?"

"I have no clue," Lily says.

The fourth photograph shows James and Lily sitting in a tattoo parlour waving and getting ready to be tattooed.

The fifth photograph shows Lily with her tattoo of a flower garden, looking very pleased and James with his tattoo of Severus Snape, looking horrified.

The sixth photograph shows Sirius and Remus dressed up very smart.

The seventh photograph shows Sirius and Remus holding the baby and a certificate of adoption.

"Oh Merlin," Sirius says. "This can't be happening."

"We _adopted a baby_?!"

The eighth photograph shows them back at James and Lily's house, with James holding a chisel in his hand.

The ninth photograph shows James trying to scrape off his tattoo with the chisel, and only succeeding in cutting his cheek open.

"That's all of the photos," Lily says. "Some night, huh?"

"How do we not remember any of it?"

"The alcohol, I guess," Remus says. "But I know I would never drink that much."

"And me neither," Lily says. "I'm pregnant, for heaven's sake!"

"And where the hell is Peter?" Sirius asks. "He seems to have disappeared from the photos."

"We'll go and check in his flat later," James says. "And try to get these damned tattoos removed."

"Good luck with that," Remus says dryly.

_**##**_

It takes a full week before the potions have been brewed for tattoo removal. Remus goes with Lily to pick up the potions. The four of them are getting more and more concerned about the whereabouts of Peter, who still hasn't shown up.

After picking up the potions, Remus and Lily walk in to find Sirius, James and the baby in the living room. The two stop in their tracks when they see what is going on – Remus looking a mixture of shocked and amused, and Lily looking simply horrified.

James and Sirius have put a net across the whole living room, splitting it in half. There is a Muggle book open on the floor, which is odd anyway considering James and Sirius never read. The horrifying part is that they are throwing the baby back and forth across the net with looks of concentration and determination on their faces.

"James, Sirius, what are you _doing_?" Lily screeches, going red with anger. "That is a baby, not a toy!"

"We're playing tennis," Sirius shrugs.

"Well, _our_ version of tennis."

"We were bored," Sirius explains.

"And we wanted to play Quidditch," James says. "But Sirius had this ingenious idea."

"Why not crack out the old Muggle books and find a new sport?"

"It was perfect," James says, with a grin. "We were just about to play football. Wanna join?"

"Oh Merlin," Remus says, glancing at Lily.

"We weren't sure whether or not to pick British football or American football," James continues.

"But we chose British because American football is a misnomer and a half," Sirius says, rolling his eyes.

"A misnomer?" Remus asks, surprised.

"Yeah, it's called _foot_ball but they use their hands," Sirius says. "So dumb."

"I know what a misnomer is," Remus says. "I just never thought you'd know what it means. I'm proud."

"My family used to call me a misnomer because my name is Black but I'm _definitely not a part of the family_," Sirius says, emphasising the last few words in a voice scarily close to his mother's.

"_Anyway_," Lily cuts in. "You can't play tennis _or_ football or any sport for that matter using the baby as a ball. It's inhumane and wrong and _JAMES POTTER I AM PREGNANT. IF YOU DARE DO THIS TO OUR CHILD I SWEAR I'LL HEX YOUR BALLS OFF AND USE THEM FOR TENNIS."_

James and Sirius stand looking terrified, and hastily put the baby on the floor and take down the net.

"Sorry," they say in unison.

"I have the tattoo potion," Lily says. "Come on, James."

James nods and sheepishly waves goodbye to Remus and Sirius because apparating away with his wife.

**##**

"Sirius Black, I have changed every single nappy. It's _your_ turn."

"No," Sirius refuses stubbornly, covering his ears and humming loudly.

"_SIRIUS_!"

"No!"

Remus grins and grabs Sirius's hands, pulling him closer. He leans into Sirius's ear and whispers, "if you do it this once, I'll let you do that thing you love to me tonight."

Sirius's eyes light up immediately and a small smile plays on his lips. "You mean when I-"

"-_Yes_," Remus purrs seductively.

"-and when you-"

"-Yes," Remus says. "Not around the child now, Sirius."

"_Fine_," Sirius whines. "How do I change a nappy?"

Remus sighs. This is going to be a long evening.

**##**

Remus finds that he is falling for the baby. He wants more than anything to keep him, but he knows that it is the wrong thing to do. It would not be fair. He can see the hesitation in Sirius's eyes when Sirius holds the baby, or feeds the baby or changes the baby's nappy. He knows that Sirius isn't used to taking care of a child – and neither is Remus, for that matter – but he understands that Sirius isn't ready for it yet.

He sits Sirius down at dinner one night, after putting the baby to sleep. Sirius looks worried.

"Am I in trouble?" Sirius asks.

Remus smiles and rolls his eyes. "Of course not," he replies. "You would never be in trouble."

"Hmm, you're always calling me naughty in the bedroom-"

"-_Enough_," Remus cuts in, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks. "It's about the baby."

"Oh."

"Sirius, I think we need to give him up," Remus says, painfully. "It's the right thing to do."

Sirius stares at him blankly for a moment and then frowns. "Why would you say that?"

"Tell me honestly, Sirius. Do you want to keep the child?"

"Yes," Sirius says, and Remus is shocked.

"_Really_?"

"Yes," Sirius says again. "I love having a child with you. I love it."

"You do?"

"Of course, Rem," Sirius answers, leaning across the table and planting a chaste kiss on Remus's lips, making Remus's heart flutter in his chest.

Remus grins. "Okay. We'll keep him."

**##**

Sirius sits on the sofa with Remus resting his head on his lap. The baby is lying in the newly-bought cot next to them.

"Do you think we're good parents?" Remus asks, staring up into Sirius's grey eyes.

"I think you are," Sirius says with a smirk. "I still have a lot to learn."

Remus thinks back to the tennis incident and laughs a little. "You're fine," he lies. "But yes, there's room for improvement."

There's a knock on the door, and before anybody can get up to open it, James bursts in with Lily following close behind him. James looks exasperated but at the same time amused.

"Guys, don't panic."

"Now I'm starting to panic," Remus says, standing up. "What's going on?"

"James and I went back to where we had our hideous tattoos done because I decided it would be nice to get a refund – I mean, Merlin knows why they would tattoo someone who was that _drunk_, I'm so annoyed!"

"Lily, back on topic," James says.

"Yes, anyway. They gave us the refund and asked how you two were getting on. We questioned how they knew you, and apparently you were with us at the time. Remus, Sirius, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Sirius asks.

"I guess there's no good way to put this, but-"

"That kid you adopted," James says. "It's Wormtail."

There is dead silence for about a whole minute before Sirius breaks it.

"Excuse me?" he asks, disturbed. "That's _Wormtail_?"

"Apparently one of us turned him into a baby and you guys thought it would be funny to adopt him," James says. "We even looked back at the photograph and it says 'Peter Pettigrew' on the birth certificate."

"Oh Merlin," Remus breaths, staring at the baby. "I suppose I'd better turn him back into himself again, then?"

"Let me," Lily says, taking out her wand and pointing it at the baby.

Remus and Sirius take one last look at what they had thought could have been their perfect son, before he is suddenly transformed back into their chubby friend.

"_THANK YOU_," Peter yelps, looking relieved. "Lily, you won't have any idea how much humiliation I have been through in the past week."

Sirius and Remus glance at each other, both thinking back to all the things they did in front of him.

"Lucky we didn't have sex," Sirius whispers.

"You talked about it enough though," Peter grunts, looking scarred for life. "Taught me not to spike the drinks ever again."

"You _spiked_ the drinks?" Lily asks.

"Yeah, with a memory potion. I thought it would be a laugh," Peter says. "Obviously it didn't go as well as planned."

"You moron!" James says.

"Sorry," Peter shrugs.

"Well, anyway," Lily says. "Just thought you should know. James and I need to be going now. We'll see you later."

"Bye," Remus mumbles, still in shock that their child is actually their friend.

"I should get going too," Peter says awkwardly, heading for the door.

"See ya," Sirius says.

"For the record, you two _are_ good parents," Peter says with a smile as he closes the door behind him.

Sirius smiles and Remus. "You know what we have to do then?"

"What's that?"

"We need to have a child."

Remus grins.

**##**

Remus places the new baby down in the cot and the two of them stare down at her with loving looks upon their faces.

"She's beautiful," Sirius breaths.

"She's perfect," Remus agrees, smiling when she smiles at him.

"What shall we name her?"

"She was born in the summer," Remus says. "How about Summer?"

Sirius thinks about this and then shakes his head. "In honour of our first child – our misnomer – we should name her Winter."

"Winter?" Remus repeats. "It's unusual. I like it."

"Winter it is," Sirius grins, leaning down and kissing her forehead.

Remus smiles at Sirius and holds onto his hand. "I love you, Sirius."

Sirius takes hold of Winter's hand and looks into Remus's eyes with a warm smile. "And I love you, too. Forever and always."

**~The End~**


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